Mary Hunt is the creator of The Cheapskate Monthly newsletter, which can be ordered online at www.cheapskatemonthly.com/um. You can e-mail questions or tips at cheapskate@unitedmedia.com or Everyday Cheapskate, P.O. Box 2135 Paramount, CA 90723. All correspondence becomes the property of Cheapskate Monthly.

THIS ONE OPENED MY EYES!

This 'disease' can be costly

I could never be a medical transcriptionist. It's not that I couldn't keep up with the typing or figure out the doctors' handwriting. My problem would be the symptoms and medical conditions. I'd have all of them.

To say that I am easily influenced is like saying the Titanic sprung a leak.

Knowing this about myself, I wasn't all that surprised to end up with yet another condition after watching a recent episode of "Oprah" -- the disease to please. I passed their little "Do You Have the Disease to Please?" self-diagnosis quiz with flying colors. Actually, I wouldn't expect anything less from myself. The first question: "Do you ever say Yes when what you really want to say is No?"

Well, of course I do -- doesn't everyone? Or how about this one: "Is it extremely important to me to be liked by nearly everyone in my life?" What kind of a question is that? Who in their right mind would answer "no" to that one? Don't we all want to be liked? I whipped through that quiz in about 10 seconds flat, answering every question "yes," "yes," "yes" and ... "yes"!
I have to admit this need to please played a huge role in my own experiences with getting deeply into debt. I rarely spent for myself. I was forever buying for others, picking up the tab, giving the best gift. I wanted recognition, approval and acceptance. That can create a lot of pressure. I am learning that this "disease" starts with wanting to be a good person. You want to be liked. You want to be chosen first, never last. You respond to everyone's requests and just keep doing more and more with promptness and perfection.

In a way, this might seem like more of a conflict than a revelation. After all, aren't we called to generosity out of hearts of gratitude and service? Isn't it selfish to always say "no"? Yes, but there is a huge difference between authentic service and using it as an opportunity to manipulate. The test is to ask "What's my motivation? Is my action pure, or is it a sneaky way to get something in return?" Are you giving that expensive birthday gift to a 3-year-old so she will love you more and call you her favorite grandma, or because you love her and it will improve her life? Are you serving on that board so others will notice you and think you are a good person, or because you have an authentic emotional investment in the cause?

Analyze your motivation. Before you say "yes" to anything, do a quick self-analysis. Why am I doing this? Why am I buying this? What am I expecting in return? If you can answer "nothing in return," then your motivation is pure. If there's another answer, it's probably some form of manipulation. Experts say that time is the best antidote for the disease to please, whether that's five minutes or five months. Never answer on the spot. Nothing is so urgent you cannot take time to think about it. Acting to please can be noble and gratifying as long as the decision to do so is for the joy it brings, not for what you expect to get in return.

~MARY HUNT